Neither you or your partner are right or wrong in an argument, there are just 2 truths.
Yes, this can be hard to keep in mind when you’re in the thick of a disagreement and you want to make them see your point of view, if only they understood and agreed with you said, then it’d be all okay right?
Sorry it just does not work that way. There will always be 2 truths, one from you and one from your partner but the main thing that matters is how you communicate sharing your truth and point of view. Because in that heightened state, you might want to correct your partner, or persuade your perspective onto them or even bring up the details of something that happened a long time ago and it might feel so satisfying in the moment to justify yourself – but all that does is leave you both feeling exhausted, miserable, unheard and no resolve. However there are healthy ways to handle hearing each other without escalating
4 ways to better handle each other’s truth without escalating:
1. Slow it down and call it out.
When you’re both in the heightened stage of a disagreement or argument, you might go into defensive mode of ‘flight’ (you check out emotionally/physically), ‘fight’ (you’re defending yourself through unsavoury behaviour and words), ‘freeze’ (you’re unsure of what to do so you do nothing) or ‘fawn’ (you please your partner at all costs).
Learn to recognise these reactions between you both. You want to create safety right from the beginning, that it is safe to talk, to share and to express.
When you’re both repeating and going around in circles (you know that one?) call it out with saying something like ‘hey babe, we’re not doing so good here doing this, can we slow it down? This prevents you from escalating or saying things you can’t take back. It creates a space of empathy and compassion before you go any further. Part of the fix is creating an emotionally and physically safe space for both of you to continue discussing your own truths.
2. Reflect on what you want to gain.
Sometimes it helps to have a 15 minute break apart to self-regulate – and ask yourself questions like: ‘what am I trying to get across? Why is this important for me? ‘what am I understanding from my partner’s perspective?’
3. Express your truth and hold space for your partner’s truth.
So after you’ve had a few minutes to reflect, come back into the conversation and adjust your tone of voice and body language so you come across as approachable and that you want talk in a calm manner. Share your point of view and hold space to listen to your partner and be more curious and less judgemental.
4. Respect each other’s truth.
There’s nothing worse than feeling like your perspective is not being valued or validated by your partner. You may not always agree with each other, but by acknowledging one another’s opinions and feelings – helps to create that safe and supportive environment and you both feel good.
Fact is, neither of you are going to get 100% completely all your way, relationships are about collaborating together to arrive to a common mutual ground.
So next time, when you’re going round in circles and escalating, slow it down, focus on what’s important, listen to each other and respect each other’s truth.
Need help to explore how to express your truth in your relationships?
If you are seeking to work on yourself or in your relationship to create a happier, healthier and more empowered version of you and you as a partner, reach out to work with Linda Kelly, Relationship Coach.
About Linda…
Linda is a Relationship Coach and Counsellor. Having worked with hundreds of people from diverse backgrounds and various life situations, Linda understands the complexities and challenges that people experience in relationships.
Linda’s blend of coaching and counselling approach allows her to be more hands-on, supportive and directive, helping people to achieve results within themselves and in their relationships.
Linda provides ‘Couples Coaching’, ‘Women’s Coaching’ and ‘Men’s Coaching’.
Linda offers a ’12 week Couples Connection Program‘. This helps couples to rebuild their relationship, learn more about themselves and their partner, adapt new strategies towards closeness and live a life that is more aligned to their desires and needs. If you want to know more or to book in your spot, book your Connection Call click here.
Based within the gorgeous Redcliffe Peninsula region, Brisbane Australia, Linda offers in-person and online Zoom sessions, both Australia-wide and Internationally.
