Notice how you instantly react to what your partner
has said or done based on their delivery?
Calm and clear communication can make or break how you connect with your partner.
To communicate clearly and calmly
with your partner conveys
Respect,
Curiosity and a
Willingness
to be open and non-judgemental.
Possibly your partner’s body language, repeated phrases or words they use turn you right off BUT there’s so much more happening under the surface for both of you.
In coaching sessions I observe how partners communicate with each other. Sometimes their disconnection of communication (or cause of their arguments) can be based from their delivery of body language, phrases or words they use. It may possibly come across to their partner as judgemental, demanding, projecting or belittling. Their partner may not be aware of it, this goes vice versa too.
However, there’s so much more underlying that’s not being spoken about and instead it comes out in this distorted version of a conversation.
Some partners believe the louder or more firmly they express themselves they get what they want. This aggressive communication may get them what they want, but at the cost of not receiving respect, warmth and love from their partner. This flatten-the-other person style of communication can create withdrawl, resentment and possibly dishonesty between partners, which can slowly over time chip away at the relationship.
The way partners communicate between each other is often a reflection of:
1. Personal interpretations, thought patterns and beliefs.
Everyone has their own way of interpreting body language, behaviours and what they perceive things to be based on their own personal beliefs, life experiences and relationship experiences. It’s no wonder when we meet our partner, these personal attributes will be challenged because our partner will have difference ways of communicating and perspectives to ours. Differences are okay and normal, in fact it’s what keeps a relationship exciting, expanding but can also keep it on the edge if communication isn’t kept in safe and accepting of one another’s differences.
2. Personal projection of unspoken stresses and/or unresolved past experiences.
Partners experience their own stresses differently, this too is a personal inner perspective based on their beliefs and expectations. When partners are going through heightened stresses such as; work, running a business, family commitments, a career, financials, in-laws (and the list goes on) they can lash out at each other through projecting unsavory words, demands, judgements etc. This instantly creates a disconnect between a couple and can lead to defensive behaviours and before they know it, they’ve gone right off track from the original topic they were talking about. Others times, couples can bring into the conversation something that happened in the past to add fuel to conversation, it may be related or not. Unresolved issues can also play out in present conversations and distort conversations.
BUT… it doesn’t have to be this way.
IN COUPLES COACHING, PARTNERS LEARN NEW WAYS to:
1. Slow down, communicate more calmly and keep conversations on track
By actively listening and repeating back to your partner what you’ve heard, keeps the topic on track, avoids personal judgement and allows your partner to feel heard and validated. This creates your safe container of a flow between you both. In listening without interrupting, repeating back to clarify, being curious in asking questions and all the while you’re comforting your partner by being present and accepting them just as they are.
2. Express truth without being shutdown.
Use ‘I’ statements (eg ‘I think…’ ‘I feel…’, ‘The story that goes through my mind is…’) keeps you expressing your truth without expecting your partner to read your mind. There’s no assuming here when truth is being shared. Using this approach allows partners to express their concerns or external stresses they’re experiencing, rather than letting it build up and then projecting their frustrations onto their partner. By expressing your truth has a 3 win outcome. You’re being authentic even in your most vulnerable and distressing moments. Your partner has insight into what’s happening for your and is able to offer you comfort and encouragement. Finally, this sharing of truth creates a closer and more genuine connection between you and your partner.
3. Use positive phrases, words and approachable body language.
Using non-directive phrases and words can impact the response you’ll get from your partner. For example using ‘I would like…’ instead of ‘You should…’. ‘Should’s’ place an expectation, obligation or pressure, whereas ‘I would like’ is a more gentle way of speaking from yourself instead of making the directive ‘should’ from your partner. This also avoids defensive behaviour starting up. Using open body language and a friendly tone of voice creates a positive response from your partner too. For example softening your voice tone, easing your facial expression with soft kind eyes, using open arm gestures whilst communicating instead of crossed arms and legs.
4. Better understanding of oneself and their partner.
By maintaining new ways of clearly communicating with calm and truth, creates regular habits of connecting with your partner. Through expressing your truth in the moment and using positive words and body language, allows you and your partner to further expand your understanding of each other and become more in tune with each other.
When couples have created this safe container of having conversations, they are better equipped with bringing up unresolved issues to work through and possibly to work through in supportive coaching sessions.
