Improving mismatched libidos involves both partners.
Couples who experience mismatched libidos will have this imbalance for so many reasons, and just to explain a few.
It may be from lack of quality time together, stresses of work, demands of family/social commitments, medical health problems, use of recreational drugs or alcohol, body self- image, hormonal imbalances, postpartum or maybe their too tired at the end of the day.
Other times mismatched libidos may have deeper underlying issues.
Possibly unresolved past hurts, betrayal, resentment, past infidelity, communication barriers, repeated patterns from previous relationships or some sort of abuse.
Maybe partners are not letting their partner know their personal preferences of how they would like foreplay and or their expectations around affection and intimacy.
Possibly one partner has emotionally checked out of the relationship and checked out sexually too.
A mismatch of libido can lead to a ‘pursuer – distancer’ relationship dynamic, where one chases and the other moves away.
Often partners who have a higher libido tend to feel frustrated, guilty or ashamed about how often they want sex. They’re prone to feelings like rejection and low self-esteem when their partner doesn’t want to or isn’t capable of meeting their desires.
For the partner who has a lower libido, they may feel pressured or made to feel guilty by their partner for not wanting sex as much, or at all, and there can be many reasons why they don’t want to have sex.
They can be prone to feeling like they’re only good for one thing, or like their partner is overlooking all the other great things about them and their relationship. They don’t understand why ‘everything has to be about sex’. It’s important for them to express the reasons they’re not in the mood so their partner doesn’t think it’s them they’re rejecting.
Sometimes where a partner is experiencing a lack of sex, they may feel like they’re in a love-less relationship, but the other partner may not feel this way at all.
A couples libido crisis can be a major turning point, to make changes towards rediscovering their sexual and non-sexual connection.
Some ways to create a healthy foundation within an exclusive sexual relationship between partners include:
- each partner to communicate truthfully and to actively listen to their partner, without becoming defensive, remain open-minded with compassion.
- each partner to understand their emotions around their own sexual desires and that of their partner.
- if both partners want to explore reigniting their sexual and sensual connection, it needs to e a mutual agreement, not influenced or coerced in any way by their partner. Neither partner should do anything they don’t want to do and they have the right to say no.
- each partner to discuss their sexual preferences and how they like to be touched and caressed or be sexual without necessarily having to have sex.
- partners need to slow down and focus on the experiences that worked for them in the past, in areas of sexual experiences and experiences of closeness and affection.
- partners need to share what sex and making love means to them. That sex doesn’t have to mean penetration, it can be anything they want it to be, like: kissing, holding hands, using sex toys, dress up, fantasy, masturbation, consensual bondage…whatever increases their arousal, intimacy and allows them to have fun.
- each partner be willing to make personal changes to help improve their relationship. For example, make scheduled time to be alone together, remain empathic to your partners needs, explore new ways of being close either sexually and without sex.
Respecting each other’s bodies and boundaries is a huge part of navigating through a libido mismatch.
Whatever the desires are of a couple, if they’re willing to opening talk about their challenges around their mismatched sex drives and get to the core as to what’s happening, there can be a happy and mutual place they can reach, where they’re both feeling loved and appreciated.
At the end of it all, each partner is responsible for communicating about how they can maintain their sexual and non-sexual connection.
It won’t be perfect but if they are open-minded, curious and creative, a mismatched libido can be reunited between to a place that feels right for them.
Couples who participate in Couples Coaching with me, learn new ways of communicating their sexual and non-sexual needs from their partner. From learning to create a safe and non-judgmental conversation between you and your partner, to expressing ways you want to connect with your partner, through sex, making-love, affection, touching or whatever it may be for you.
Couples gain a deeper understanding of their own emotions around sex and connection, why it’s important for them and how they can collaborate with their partner to have their needs and desires met too.
Improving mismatched libidos between couples is not a quick fix.
It takes patience, being open to share their inner thoughts and become more open-minded past their pre-existing ideas around what it means to be in an intimate relationship.
Exploring Love Languages and developing new exciting ways to reconnect within a sacred sexual space and sacred non-sexual space.
Need help to delve into connecting in your relationship?
If you are seeking to deepen the way you connect with your partner, reach out to work with Linda Kelly, Relationship Coach.
About Linda …
Linda is a Relationship Coach and Counsellor. Having worked with hundreds of couples and individuals over the years, Linda understands the complexities and challenges that couples experience today.
Linda’s blend of coaching and counselling approach allows her to be more hands-on, supportive and directive, helping people to achieve results within themselves and in their relationship.
