๐ฃ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐๐ป๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ ๐ฎ๐๐ผ๐ถ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐๐ต๐ฒ โ๐๐ฎ๐น๐ธโ ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ผ๐๐ป๐ฑ ๐๐ป๐๐ถ๐บ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐๐ผ๐บ๐บ๐๐ป๐ถ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป.
There are couples where one partner wants ๐บ๐ผ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐๐ป๐๐ถ๐บ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ whilst the other wants ๐บ๐ผ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐บ๐บ๐๐ป๐ถ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป.
Often when Iโm working with couples who have a different needs of intimacy and communication and itโs generally driven by underlying issues they havenโt dealt with and it remains unresolved and not spoken about.
Maybe theyโve tried to talk about it, but it doesnโt end well, so then repeat the cycle of pushing it aside until it flares up again. And when this is present, partners will act out in ways like:
being frustrated with each other regularly
picking on each other
being disinterested
avoiding
keeping super busy.
These are all defense mechanisms or excuses, so donโt have to face it the very thing thatโs causing them pain.
๐ช๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ฝ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐๐ป๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ ๐ฎ๐๐ผ๐ถ๐ฑ, ๐ฑ๐ฟ๐ถ๐๐ฒ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐บ ๐ณ๐๐ฟ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ฎ๐ฝ๐ฎ๐ฟ๐.
Eventually the thing partners avoid dealing with, creates more of a disconnection.
They will continue to function, on a very high level, but theyโre not really connecting on a deeper, amorous, caring and supportive level.
So when Iโm working with these partners, I ask them questions like:
What do you value and appreciate about your partner and your relationship?
How is it this is important to you?
In what ways do you show up in your relationship?
What holds you in the relationship? We go through areas of ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ด๐ช๐ด๐ต๐ข๐ฏ๐ค๐ฆ, because thatโs where weโll find whatโs holding each partner back. This can be confronting for partners, because it means looking at their own part in how they show up and they might feel anxious about how their partnerโs going to react when they express their truth and concerns. So when we un-layer the โwhyโsโ and the โbecauseโsโ (โ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ค๐ข๐ถ๐ด๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ดโ ๐ฐ๐ณ โ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ตโ) it goes beyond the couples intimacy and communication concerns.
When we funnel down, underneath all of the partnerโs behaviours, itโs their core emotions from unresolved issues (whether itโs from their partner or outside of their relationship) thatโs fuelling their disconnection.
Once we work through that, partners are able to:
rebuild their relationship with strategies based on learning ways to express their truth.
use self-regulation techniques to self-soothe and better handle heightened situations.
learn ways (verbally and non-verbally) of having confronting and important conversations that feel less awkward.
and learn how to connect through different types of intimacy.
